I’ve been thinking long and hard, mostly long, about the problems the state of Illinois is facing, and instead of whining and complaining like everybody else, I’ve come up with some common-sense solutions. Or at least solutions.
First off, a re-brand is long overdo, as Illinois has been associated many years now for its high taxes and budgets printed in red. It’s time to change how the outside world looks at us, and the only way to do that is to hide reality through the wonders of marketing.
Of course, lowering taxes and having well-stewarded budgets would be the easiest way to change that perception, but I think we’ve all lived here long enough to know it’s about as likely as the Cubs winning another World Series in my son’s grandson’s lifetime.
If I hired myself as the state’s public relations advisor, in addition to getting a huge bump up in salary and benefits, I’d change the name. The name Illinois is a little Frenchified for my tastes, and it lacks the panache of a “Kentucky” or the quick-pitch brilliance of an “Iowa.” Unfortunately, I don’t know the Native-American name for “state searching for its identity.”
And I’d market Lincoln much, much harder than we do now. Sure, Lincoln gets lots of attention here and elsewhere, but we’ve never really taken the time to give it the modern mass-messaging, algorithmic, search-engine friendly attention it deserves.
Under my plan, every town in Illinois would be renamed “Lincoln,” followed by that city’s zip code.
In it, all roadways would be prefaced by the possessive noun “Lincoln’s”, which would make Tenney Street, “Lincoln’s Tenney Street” (located in Lincoln-61443); and Lincoln Highway, :”Lincoln’s Lincoln Highway.” Tollbooths would have cardboard cutouts of John Wilkes.
The “piece de resistance” (a little-known but oft-uttered Lincoln phrase) would be the spray painting of Lincoln’s profile right on top of Illinois, from Cairo to Chicago – so large you could see it from space – with the top quarter of the state serving as the 16th president’s stovepipe hat.
I don’t know about you, but I’d certainly pay more taxes for that.
Here are the basic components of some of the other solutions I’m suggesting for Illinois. After all, marketing Lincoln only gets you half an inaugural train ride to Washington.
At first I thought they were talking about genetic changes in Illinois residents that literally allowed them to fly – but then I found it it’s much less magical than that, except for the fairy that dies every time an Illinoisan becomes a Texan. Since we are in Illinois, I suggest we greet former residents’ retreat with a tax. That’s right, a tax on “leaving,” and trust me, the sky – as well as the state’s operational capacity – is the limit. Of course, in a legislative language loophole, the definition of the word “leaving” would be expanded to include every time you step off your porch.
Chicago vs. downstate
Obviously, a civil war is the only answer here.
But since I think using violence to solve the problems of our collective state family is wrong, I propose we join forces and take a neighboring state by force, thus increasing the tax and population bases, and spreading the cost of pensions across a greater segment of people. I’ll just say that Michigan and Wisconsin get really cold, a girl from Iowa once rejected my noblest advances, Indiana’s covered bridges couldn’t handle mobile artillery and Missouri residents once voted for a dead man over an incumbent senator. That leaves Kentucky (which also claims Lincoln but wouldn’t be bold enough to rename towns after him), but to win we must move now, before they have more people than Illinois.
The only fair way to do this is to use a commission comprising non-political members who put the electoral process ahead of politics. I know, I paused to giggle, too. Since that doesn’t seem likely in any scenario (see Illinois 4th Congressional District for emphasis), I suggest maps be drawn by a large group of very wholesome second-graders. It’s as simple as selecting the kids with the most artistic talent and ones who haven’t yet heard their parents families fighting about politics. And then, you know, plugging in the numbers.
This one’s a tough one. The Illinois Constitution obligates the state to pay them; the state can’t pay them; and marketing them as “Lincoln’s Pension Morass” doesn’t change anything and only shifts blame to a guy who already has a lot of history on his plae. I’d suggest the state hide from the mailman when the bills arrive, but it didn’t work for Bruce Rauner and it didn’t work for my college loans. I guess my suggestion here would be to become employed by the state.
This one’s easy: Just let everyone teach. There’s really no need for fancy book-learning in this age of computers, and facts all around have never been squishier or less-defined. It’s the best time for people who’ve been complaining about the education system to become a teacher, in fact, because there is all of this information out there and an answer these days can be ANYTHING. That’s right. No research, no science, not even common sense – it can be a lesson and a law of nature just because someone, somewhere SAYS IT on social media. Why would anyone need a teacher or a textbook in this land of educational opportunity? And did you know that educational licensing is just a ploy by the government to take your desks and erasers away? It’s true because you read it here.
West Nile Virus
Remember when we were being told West Nile Virus was the most frightening virus around? We watched it’s progression eastward until cases started popping up county by county. Well, it’s still a thing, but it’s not really a thing anymore. I’m not sure why (he said facetiously). My solution here comes under the heading, “Once Bitten”: If they won’t shelter in place (in an old tire), we mask the mosquitoes, have them flutter six feet apart and only allow take-out blood extraction. Why wouldn’t they cooperate?
via “Illinois Politics” – Google News https://ift.tt/2TO8iP3
July 8, 2021 at 11:51AM