Please review the terms and conditions you must accept if you want to update to 2021

Thomas Frisbie/Sun-Times illustration

You agree to walk your pandemic-purchased puppy even when it gets really cold outside.

Your digital calendar app is upgrading from the 2020 version to the 2021 version. By entering the year “2021” after midnight on Dec. 31, you agree to the following terms and conditions:

You agree the New Year is not responsible for your failure to follow any of your resolutions.

You agree not to hold a grudge against anyone who gets a COVID-19 vaccine shot before you do, unless that person is a prominent politician who denied the severity of the pandemic.

You agree to walk your pandemic-purchased puppy even when it gets really cold outside.

You agree to take seriously efforts to protect our environment, beginning with support for the United Nation’s ocean-saving Decade of Ocean Science for Sustainable Development agenda, which begins at the stroke of midnight on Jan. 1. You agree not to argue that you don’t care because you can always buy cans of tuna at the store.

You agree that if you have not been sufficiently grateful for all the front-line workers in 2020, you will make up for it in 2021.

You agree to organize your social media to get rid of clutter. Ha, just kidding! Take your pandemic puppy for a walk instead.

You agree to take warnings about the risk of future pandemics and superbugs seriously and not think that the remarkably fast development of vaccines for COVID-19 means you can ignore such warnings. You agree not to mock science while counting on scientists to take care of everything.

You agree that everything you pulled out of closets and drawers to reorganize in 2020, while stuck day and night at home, will not be shoved back into the closet in 2021 once you get your second vaccination.

You agree to spend the entire 1 hour and 53 minutes necessary to read the terms and conditions for the free mobile game Candy Crush.

You agree to patronize locally owned businesses to keep them afloat, even those you were not particularly excited about before the pandemic.

You agree to wear masks and take other necessary precautions until the coronavirus risk has passed. You agree that on a cold and windy Chicago day, face masks are kind of nice.

You agree to post these terms and conditions on your refrigerator.

You agree that you have used up your allotted number of pandemic meltdowns. You agree that the next time you feel frustrated with family, friends or work you will spend three minutes studying your breathing or watching cute animal videos on TikTok.

You agree to stop second-guessing your online grocery orders and forgive yourself for accidentally buying huge quantities of feta cheese, tiny bunches of broccoli rabe and twice as many bananas as you could possibly eat before they go brown. And you agree that even after the quarantine is lifted, you will continue to bake your own bread. All the yeast you wasted learning how to bake bread should really count for something.

You acknowledge that in 2020 you learned more about the Constitution, separation of powers and the original intent of the so-called Founding Fathers than you did for the Constitution test in high school. And you hope in 2021 things will settle down and you can forget all of it.

You agree 2021 is the year you will do all you can to save the planet from climate change and insist that politicians do so as well, even if you secretly think warmer Chicago winters would be nice.

You agree that if a Netflix series kept you entertained for two episodes back-to-back, you should watch the entire first season before going to bed.

You agree not to click on anything that promises to help you amass 5,000 more Instagram followers.

If the pandemic has forced you to stay home, you agree that you won’t make your dog or cat go back to its lonely pre-COVID life.

You agree that you’re not sure you will ever shake anyone’s hand again, and you agree that you’re OK with that. There was too much touching going on anyway.

You agree not to tell anyone who suffered during the pandemic that it’s OK because your 401(k) is fine.

You agree to support genuine campaign finance reform, at all levels, even if your favored candidates just outspent the opposition.

You agree not to get plastic surgery just because you don’t like how you look on Zoom.

You agree that if you bought a gun out of fear that society would break down during the pandemic, you will not sell or dispose of it in a way that it can wind up on the illegal gun market.

If you’ve been driving a car to work instead of riding during the pandemic, you agree to get back to riding the train as soon as it feels safe to do so, unless your car is electric.

You agree to read the remaining 18,000 pages of these terms and conditions. You agree that any disputes will be settled by an arbitration process stacked against you.

□ Accept

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via Chicago Sun-Times – All

December 31, 2020 at 05:22PM

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